by Amy Marienblaume | Instagram
TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with miscarriage. If you are experiencing or have experienced pregnancy loss and need support, please click here, here, here, or here. Be gentle with yourself during this time and know that I am sending my love, strength, and healing to you.
Have you ever considered how much impact a year can have on your life? Or even a single day? I’ll just start by saying that 2019 was the hardest year of my life. The memory of three of those days will stay with me forever.
My Story of Pregnancy Loss
My son was born in 2015 after a (relatively) uneventful pregnancy. In the chaos and hormonal whirlwind that is labour, birth, and the fog of the newborn period, I was quite certain that I never wanted to go through it all again. Slowly, my husband and I found our footing as parents and as our little Leo (his astrological sign, not his name) got a little older, we began to talk about growing our family.
New Years Eve has not been a big deal since our son was born. We were far too tired to intentionally stay awake until midnight! However, leading into 2019 I wanted to have a drink or two, and decided to take a pregnancy test to be safe. It was positive and we were thrilled. About a week later I started showing signs that I was losing the pregnancy. I sank to my knees and called out to my female ancestors to save the baby. I lit candles… so many candles. It did not work.
Almost immediately, I was pregnant again. Things were going better – and then they weren’t. Waiting in the emergency room, I desperately tried to keep it together. By some cruel twist of fate, my husband’s boss was there too, but I refused to break down in front of him. The walk to the ultrasound department was like something out of a nightmare I could not wake myself from. I could barely see through the tears welling in my eyes. As the tech shut the door, I collapsed onto the floor in a sobbing mess. The tech didn’t know what to do, so she said she’d be back in 10 minutes and handed me some kleenex. Somehow, I managed to pick myself up off the floor and crawl into the examination bed. I barely remember the rest of what happened after I heard the words “not viable.”
During spring and early summer, I started seeing an OBGYN, was poked and prodded, had more tests than I can count, was diagnosed with non-cystic hormonal PCOS (yes, it’s a thing), started on some meds, and we were given the green light to try again. For the third time in 8 months I was pregnant, which meant even more meds and constant bloodwork. I was one day away from passing the point where I lost the previous two pregnancies. And then it was over. I told my husband to get a vasectomy. I lost myself. I was fearful of something happening to our son and I struggled to let him out of my sight. I had intrusive thoughts. I accused my husband of trying to poison our child after he defrosted some meat in the sink I used to clean sippy cups and other children’s things. To say it was the darkest period in my life is not an exaggeration.
Pulling Myself out of the Darkness
Suffering through so much loss, as it turns out, was the very thing that pushed me to search for more meaning in life and that ultimately reawakened the witch inside. A big part of being a witch, as I have learned, is actively doing the work to heal yourself. However, this also requires you to confront your traumas and all the emotions that come with them. It is hard and it sucks, but it’s necessary work.
As part of my healing process (a process that I am still working through, and will likely continue to have to work through for awhile), I first had to come to terms with how much the losses were affecting my mental health. I made an appointment with my doctor and left with a prescription for Zoloft. Other than my root canal, this was the first time in my life I had ever taken an anti-anxiety medication. For days, I couldn’t feel anything but happy. It was bizarre, but I felt like I was finally able to get my head above water. Then, as I adjusted to the medication and we found the right dosage for me, I was able to begin the real work of confronting my traumas. I started seeing a therapist who specializes in pregnancy loss and infertility. I opened up to friends and allowed myself to be loved and supported.
Growing Hope through Witchcraft
We spent nine months waiting for my OBGYN’s office to receive the results of the DNA karyotyping profile of my husband and I (Canadian health care may be free, but it is not especially fast). During the time we spent waiting, unable to make any kind of decisions about whether or not we would try again, I started the real work of healing myself. Through burn rituals I released so many things – fear, guilt, shame, terror, longing, jealousy, pain… so much pain. I cried in the bath and let the water wash away my tears. I sat in our nursery surrounded by all my son’s baby things that I had been saving for another child. Finally, the results came in. No abnormalities found.
The symbolism of the nine-month wait to receive our results, and the fact that they finally came a week and a half into Beltane season – the season of fertility and the celebration of the goddess and god joining together to create new life – is purely magical. As part of my Beltane celebrations I asked for a sign, and then because I needed groceries and had the day off, I went to Costco. Walking into the garden centre in the middle of the busy parking lot there was a baby bunny that could not have been more than a few weeks old. It was on its own, completely unafraid, watching me. Message received.
After much discussion, my husband and I decided to throw caution to the wind and try again. It is absolutely terrifying and I am doing my best to have faith in my body, and in the signs and messages I have continued receiving since Beltane. In setting my intentions for the journey ahead, harnessing the energy of the Strawberry full moon and lunar eclipse, I crafted a fertility spell to call forth a healthy pregnancy and healthy child.
Using herbs grown mostly in my garden (or procured locally otherwise) I added mint for fertility, lemon balm to heal a broken heart, lavender for calm, stinging nettle for courage, and sage for protection. I invoked the energies of the four elements and repeated an incantation I wrote over and over until I felt the power of the spell within my body.
Full moon powers, I summon thee;
As I release my fears and set them free.
By this earth, I will give birth;
With this air, my wish laid bare;
By this flame, my courage claimed;
In this water, my heart grows stronger.
Child of fire and of sea,
A part of my husband and of me,
I call you forth, we welcome thee.
This is my will, so mote it be.
Under the light of the full moon, I charged the herbs, my pocket goddess statue, unakite, moonstone, and clear quartz. In the morning I created a charm bag, which I carry with me as much as possible, and am keeping on my bedside table as I sleep. Finally, I buried the remnants of my spell under my new rosebush as it was in the process of flowering 3 blooms, one for every pregnancy I lost.
Keeping Hope Alive
Writing this post and sharing my story has taken an incredible amount of energy. I have had to stop and revisit it day after day, all the while knowing it was something I needed to do.
What is next for my husband and I remains to be seen. Will my spell manifest? Time will tell. What I do know right now is that, for the first time in a long time, I have some of my hope back. Blessed be.
About the Author: Amy is a newly re-awakened witch living in South-Western Ontario. As a Scorpio sun, Pisces moon, and Scorpio rising, she can be found reading and recharging in the bath when she’s not chasing after her almost-five-year-old Leo son she is raising with her Sagittarius husband. Professionally, as a Human Resources Business Partner, Amy brings her magic into the office by guiding the rest of the team to build self-awareness, compassion, and empathy with the goal of creating a more harmonious and enchanted workplace. You can find her on Instagram at @thewakenedwitch, where she shares her journey into owning the identity of Witch.